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Who Am I? – The Quest for Self

Adam was confused…

He’d read somethings that got him hooked. “You are not your hands, you are not your eyes, you are not your ears, you are not your clothes or your possessions”

Since reading these words he had been asking himself “Who am I?”

He felt lost.

He asked many people, “Who am I?

None could give him an answer that would satisfy Adam.

He was growing desperate day by day.

He stared in mirror and asking himself “Who are you?” but there was no answer.

He’d heard there is a saintly person somewhere in far of lands.

He thought, I will climb mountains and walk through jungle and meet this wise old man, he’s the man who has wisdom of highest order.

Adam thought I must meet ‘the saint’ and ask him. He’s a godly person, he must know.

He wondered what would be the best dress to meet ‘the saint’. He went for shopping and selected “All white” clothes.

He wanted to appear ‘most purest’ in front of saint, after all he’s to answer the most important question for Adam.

As Adam prepared his backpack, he put on jeans, t-shirt and joggers. He kept white clothes, a route map, a powerful torch, a shampoo, a soap, a towel and a small pistol – just in case.

“It’ll be a jungle out there and you never know, what’s in there” He said to himself.

Even though he was a bit scared because path to self-discovery was not an easy one. But his quest was so strong he was determined to do whatever it takes.

He took a bus to train station and realized he’s going to meet ‘the saint’ for first time and he should take something as a gift.

As he bought a pack of dates from station, he wondered, “What else can I buy for the old man … may be a scent” So he bought a small bottle of perfume.

It took him 3 days and 3 nights, before he reached the station that Adam thought would be closest to jungle that leads to saint’s den.

Adam was tired, but he was not willing to rest. He decided to immediately began to walk towards the jungle.

It was about 2 p.m. when Adam reached his desired station.

Adam had expected that walk would take him 2 ½ hours hiking up the hills.

He asked few locals for correct directions to the saint’s den.

Adam expected that everyone would know the saint.

He was surprised how people looked at him when he asked for way to saint’s den. He was astonished how few people knew about saint and those who seemed to know him, weren’t certainly friendly towards ‘the saint’.

“What a pathetic bunch of people. They don’t value a saint living within them” He said to himself, “perhaps this is because saints live alone meditating all day long”

As he began walking expecting to go up hills, he found it was a actually swift downhill walk and he could walk much faster then expected.

Adam took long deep breaths as he walked between lush green forest feeling refreshed down to his core by odor of fresh leaves.

He loved cracking sound from dead leaves that he heard with every step.

A cuckoo bird singing at a distance made whole environment breath taking experience for a man who had been living between hustle and bustle of city.

He felt a bit chilly as he realized his tiredness had almost disappeared.

Chattering in his mind was the question, “Who are you?”… while he walked he was wondering how quite Saint’s cave would be.

He decided not to disturb him from meditation until he calls himself.

“I’ll go and wait outside the cave and when he comes out on his own, I will ask him my question” Adam decided

Adam felt a bit thirsty and noticed there is a waterfall. “Ah fresh water” He drank and drank until he felt an uncontrollable urge to urinate.

So he did.

But then he felt like vomiting. He realized he’d had too much of water, on an empty stomach. He took out dates he had bought for saint and began eating.

He realized his last meal was breakfast in the train.

He ate all the dates and thought, “I’ll give just a perfume to the saint”

He realized he’s close to saint’s den and decided to change his clothes.

He took out his new white clothes and thought, ‘It’s a jungle, no one is watching I can undress and dress up.’

As he took off his clothes that he was wearing since he’d left home, he realized he was stinking. “Why not take a shower under the waterfall?” He thought.

So he did.

He dressed himself up. He thought, I should use the scent. It wouldn’t be nice if I smell bad in front of the saint.

He took the bottle of perfume out and wore almost half of it. “I will bring the saint some gifts when I come next time” Adam had changed his mind, again.

Soon Adam was standing in front of a large cottage. I was not expecting this, he thought.

Suddenly he heard loud noises of children playing, they were around twenty of them.

“How nice, the old man runs an orphanage” Adam thought.

Suddenly Children noticed Adam. They stopped playing. One of them shouted, “He’s come here, he’s come here” They all laughed in sync.

Adam thought, “Wow, the company of saint has opened their 3rd eye. They knew I am coming even before I came. I am impressed. I’ll adopt one of these orphans.”

With a chuckle in his voice, the eldest one, who was around 15 asked Adam, who he was.

Adam thought, “that’s what I want to know… who I am? He had no answer, instead he replied by saying “I am here to see the saint”

“You mean Baba Jee” said the child

“Yes” – He was happy to learn that they called him “Baba Jee” after all old people are called ‘Baba Jee’.” He thought.

A boy guided him towards a door. As he stepped inside the room his heart was beating faster than train he traveled in. He wondered if Baba jee, already knows what he wants to ask.

Please come in. He heard a strong hush voice of a man.

As he went in, a young clean shaved man about Adam’s age, wearing black jeans and shirt, was sitting there. There was some music playing in the background. Adam thought, “this must be one of the disciples”

The man greeted Adam with a smile and offered him a seat. As he sat, the man said, “You seem to have come from a far off land”

“Yes” I have and I want to ask the saint just one question.

“Oh, really. Would you like to eat something first” The man asked politely.

“No. I don’t want to waste my time anymore” Adam replied.

“Who are you?” Asked the man.

“Well that’s my question and that’s why I have come here to ask ‘Baba Jee’, WHO AM I? … I am confused, I am lost and I am in search for the answer and my name is Adam”

“The man smiled, well my ‘confused’, ‘lost’ and ‘in search’ friend Adam … I am the Baba jee. And I am glad to meet you. And ONLY my children call me Baba Jee”

“What?” Adam reacted

“You can’t be HIM. He’s an old man, with long white beard” Adam replied “you don’t even have a beard”

“Really, and how do you know that the one you are seeking has that description?” Asked the man.

“That’s what I thought. After all, he’s a wise man… he has to be old” Replied Adam

“And what does being wise have to do with being old?” Asked the wise man.

“Please don’t kid me. Should I ask one of those orphans where baba jee is?” Adam was growing desperate.

“My confused friend, those are NOT orphans. They are my very own children from my 3 wives” Said the wise man.

“Three wives” Adam was shocked “How is that even possible?”

“Here have some tea, it’s made from fresh leaves, it’s refresh you and you need to rest.” Said the wise man as he passed a cup of tea to Adam.

“But I expected that you’d be an old man, meditating in quietness of your cave, nothing to do with the world outside” Adam said as he took a sip of tea.

“You made a mistake” said the wise man with straight face. “You assumed things on your own and expected to see the world fit your assumptions. That’s a BIG mistake and many people make”

“But, I took all the hassle to travel, leaving my home, my work to ask you a simple question and I expected you to know the answer” Adam interrupted

“Here’s your problem … YOU EXPECTED OTHERS TO BEHAVE IN WAYS YOU DESIRE … that’s a short cut to frustration” Said the wise man. “In life you must learn to deal with what you get, not waste your time and energy on why people and things are not as you expect they ‘should be’.”

“OK. Can you please answer my question?” Asked Adam

“Which question?” Asked the wise man

“Who Am I?” Adam said

“To WHOM? … For some you are the everything, for others you mean nothing. You’re asking yourself a very wrong question. And with wrong question, you’ll get wrong answers or no answers.” Wise man replied

“But unless I don’t know who I am. How can I find myself?” Adam insisted

“Here you go again. Do you realize, you need to find what’s lost” Wise man sounded a bit harsh. “You are assuming too much and because you’re assuming that you are lost, you feel lost. This is why you are thinking of finding yourself. My friend, if at all you are lost in your own thinking.”

Adam scratched his head as if trying to make sense of what he’d just heard.

“May be you are right. But isn’t that important to know Who I am?” Adam murmured while thinking, “Perhaps, I should seek my answer somewhere else”

“Important for who & for what … you’re still stuck in your old belief that you are lost. You must stop and ask yourself a better questions. Instead of seeking answers here and there” replied the Wise man, as if he had read Adam’s mind.

“He’s too proud”, Adam thought. “How can he be the saint?”

Adam was making the same mistake most people in his state make. Doing the same thing they have done for years and assuming to have an experience in certain way, instead of noticing the experience they are having.

Wise man noticed that.

“Adam, stop bullshitting yourself” Wise man said

“What?” This was a shock for Adam. “How can you use such a language?”

“Why you ASSUMED that I should use some other language?” Wise man replied

Something had changed inside Adam. It was like he was waking up for the first time. Even though it was not what he expected. He was learning to expect the unexpected.

Adam began to smile and asked, “OK, tell me what is the better question, you were referring to?

“Who do you want to BE?” said the Wise man.

“Meaning?” Adam asked for clarification

“In life, we all have a choice to BE who we want to BE. It’s a choice YOU MAKE for yourself. Who do you want to BE. Others may give you some guidance BUT unless it’s your decision you will never be totally happy” Replied Wise man

“But how can I be what I want to be. I have my religion that tells me to be a servant of ALLAH, my parents who tell me to be an obedient son and my society that tells me to be a good citizen” Adam asked

“You see. You decide to be an obedient servant of ALLAH, an obedient son, a good citizen. You can choose to be otherwise too. Which means the power to choose who you want to be is within YOU!” said the Wise man

Adam pondered for a while and said. “What a mistake have I been making. No wonder I never found the answer. I am the one who does the choosing and I can decide to be who I want to be. It’s so simple”

He felt lighter, much lighter and enlightened.

Adam shook Wise man’s hand profusely thanking him for showing him the light.

“Thank you, thank you very much. You’ve showed me the light. I’d like to take leave sir. I will catch the early morning train and it’s getting late PLUS I have to go through the jungle.”

“What jungle?” Asked the wise man.

“I mean the jungle that comes from city to your home” said Adam

“But there’s no jungle. It’s my farm land and we have planted trees and there are CCTV camera’s all around and within it. We even have an artificial waterfall”

“CCTV… Artificial waterfall?” Adam turned blush as he gulped and asked, “You mean, when I was taking a shower and changing you were watching me?”

“Me no. My children YES” said the Wise man

“Oh, and I assumed they had developed intuition when they said, ‘he’s here’ upon seeing me. So this is why they were laughing and giggling” said Adam

“I am afraid, that’s the case” Wise man replied

“I hope you’ll delete that sir.” Adam said sheepishly

“Only on one condition, you promise you won’t make assumptions, rather you’ll seek information and make choices based on solid information”

“I promise sir” Adam committed

“And by the way, the train station is just few minutes’ walk from here. The next train will be at 9 am and I can drop you to station. We have roads and cars too” Wise man winked

Adam was speechless. He’d learned his lesson. He committed to himself to never ever act based on his impulses but seek out all necessary information before making any decision.

“Sir, can I ask you a personal question?” Said Adam

“Sure” Wise man replied

“How come you have 3 wives?” Adam asked

“Oh, I am a Muslim man and I can have four. I had one wife and then I fell in love with another woman. I proposed her and she accepted” Wise man said

“But how can you fall in love with another woman, when you are already married?”

“You broke your promise … you just assumed that love is restricted by one’s marriage” Wise man interrupted this time

“Oops… I am sorry sir. I went into my old pattern. How do I change this?” Asked Adam

“Give a certain amount in charity every time you do so and before you know it, you’ll stop” Wise man told Adam as he continued, “As for loving someone, it’s an emotion that multiplies. I love my first wife and our children as much as I love my second and third.”

“Sir, I want to develop such balance in my life too. Not that I want another wife but I want to develop a better me, Suggest me how?

“Simple, Deep Inner Coaching with Kamran Sultan” said Wise man “He’s my life coach & trainer too. You can call him with my reference. Here’s his number +92-300-2198031 WhatsApp him. And I promise you this… if you do as he suggests… you’ll be a changed person”

“Thank you, Sir” replied Adam

“Here, take this paper and read” Wise man handed Adam a paper, “As you read these words here, you’ll want to meet Kamran Sultan in person. Just call him and take an appointment. Remember, fools waste time in thinking’

‘I’ll do it later’ wise people call Kamran now and ask about his next class so you can join.”

As Adam read these words he felt an uncontrollable urge to do as suggested.

He tried to laugh to ignore at first but then realize the more he tried to deny the more he was telling himself, “Get life coaching … contact Kamran Sultan”

He did, what every wise man would do.

“AssalamuAlykum, Can I speak with Kamran Sultan?”

“This is Kamran Sultan”….

That’s when his life story began to change…and that’s another story

P.S: And what were YOU expecting?

Develop Your Mind Power … BUT

Over 2 decades ago , in early 1990’s … I used to be a member of a ‘self improvement’ club where I learned about ‘mind power’ stuff.

Some people had impressive mind power skills. They used to talk about other than 3 dimensions.

I was young and curious, I wanted to learn.

But…

To my shock and surprise, I noticed that most people in the ‘club’ had quite a negative attitude in many ways.

They were intrinsically negative. Back biting other ‘members’ was one of their favorite activities. I found they were all disciples of the same guru.

Even though I was young but smart enough to realize that THE KIND OF COMPANY YOU MOVE WITH IS THE KIND OF PERSON YOU’LL BECOME.

So I decided to part from that club and those people.

I kept wondering, why people with fine knowledge & skills were negative.

Years later I found, what I believe is the answer.

If one’s unconscious mind is programmed with negativity (scarcity based mindset), developing mind power will create a powerfully negative person.

This makes one’s live a living hell.

I believe it’s utmost important that you have your mind set to be positive (abundance based mindset) then when you have the skills your life will be a full of bliss – a living miracle.

Got it?

Kamran Sultan

The Secret of Creating Happy Future – The Shadow Man – Part 7

It was my 32^nd birthday; I woke up because of a call from a friend wishing me ‘Happy Birthday’.

Since we don’t celebrate birthdays, it was just a usual day for me but I appreciated my friends caring enough to remember it.

As I walked down the stairs to the kitchen for my breakfast, I saw The Shadow Man, sitting right there on the dining table as if he was waiting for me.

It was no more a surprise for me. He had become so much a part of me that had never been apart from me.

I smiled as he presented me with a bouquet of red roses saying “Happy Birthday”

I took a deep breath and was kind of tranced out by the fresh smell of beautiful flowers as I said, “Thank you, thank you very much… how do you know it’s my birthday”

“Well, I am following you, wherever you go, whatever you do… I am your Shadow Man” He said

“That’s right” I admitted “I can feel you are there, wherever I am” I admitted

“So what’s your plan?” he asked

“None, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just don’t believe in planning & stuff” As I said this he started reciting a poem in a very deep rhythmic voice

“There’s may be nothing wrong with you
The way you live, the work you do
But I can very plainly see,
Exactly what is wrong with me
It isn’t that I am indolent or
Dodging duty by intent
I work as hard as anyone
Yet I get so little done
The morning goes, the noon is here
Before I know the night is near
All around me … I regret,
Are things I haven’t finished yet
So often times have I realized,
If I could just get organized
Not all that matters is the man,
THE MAN MUST ALSO HAVE A PLAN
With you there’s may be nothing wrong
Here’s my trouble, right along
I nibble this, I nibble that
And never finish what I am at
So often times have I realized,
If I could just GET ORGANIZED”

I was touched to say the least as I said, “Beautiful, simply beautiful…how do you remember all of these”

“I repeat to remind myself often” He continued “Today, I want to give a special present the secret of creating a happy future” he said, “are you ready?”

“YES, I AM READY” I had never felt so congruently happy before

“Masha ALLAH” he seemed pleased to see that I am happy.

“Well the secret is ‘forgiveness’…” he said

“FORGIVENESS?” I said with a raised tone

He smiled and said “Surprised?”

“Well I thought it was something bigger, much bigger…” I replied

“And what can be bigger than to forgive?” He continued, “Allow me to explain”

“Please do” I requested

“Do you know the prayer that The Prophet (salalahualyhi walayhi wassalam) told his most beloved wife, Ayesha (R.A) when she asked what to pray for if she finds the night of decree?”

“اللَّهُمَّ إِنَّكَ عَفُوٌّ تُحِبُّ الْعَفْوَ فَاعْفُ يعَنِّ

meaning ‘Oh ALLAH certainly You are most forgiving, you like to forgive, forgive me’” I said

“Good, Masha ALLAH you know… and did you ever think WHY forgiveness instead of Jannah on the greatest nights of all?” He got me hooked with that as he told me, “Forgiveness IS The KEY to happiness too”

“And where should I begin?” I asked

“From the one who had hurt you first time ever or the most” he paused for couple of seconds before he said, “Often times it’s someone you loved, you thought was supposed to love you, or you expected to be there while s/he was not or did something you didn’t expect from him/her … and many times it’s a parent, grand parent or even a sibling” He spoke calmly and suggested, “Look into your personal history and ask yourself, who was the first person”

“Well, I don’t need to look too far and yes, it was apparent to me that it was a parent I need to begin with” I said almost as if from inside, “But how do I do it?”

“I will tell you that in a moment but first tell me what is there something in your life that you used to do or used to like but you don’t any more do it or like it.” He asked

“Well, I used to be a student, I used to be a child, I used to live in another home, I used to like playing video games… there are countless things like that” I replied

“OK, good because I am going to ask you to select few of them. Now the first thing you need to do to start the process I am going to guide you through is set a clear intention. Remember it all begins with intention” He continued “Say to yourself ‘Today is the last day I feel angry about what my father/mother/sibling said and/or did … I understand they did the best they could done under their mental & emotional condition… I sincerely intend to forgive them for ALLAH’ and be as sincere as possible” His words were long but had a lot of meaning, so I repeated with complete sincerity.

“Now there are many ways to do it, here is something simple that you can do.” He began as he drew circles on the floor and asked, “If you were to represent anger, forgiveness and something that used to be true in your life but is not true anymore, with different colors what colors will you choose?”

“Well I would say, anger is ORANGE like fire and FORGIVENESS is PURPLE and something that used to be true in your life but it isn’t any more is BLACK

“Great, now imagine these circles in colors you chose. And step behind the ORANGE circle.” He asked me

I did as he said. I selected one of those circles as orange and stood behind it. He said, “Now think of this person you were angry with and imagine them inside the orange circle. Recall if you can the event where it began and imagine this person in the orange circle. And notice how it feels inside”

I promptly followed his instructions. After about a minute or so he continued

“Now, go stand behind PURPLE circle and move the person’s image to this PURPLE circle. And say, ‘I forgive you for anything and everything you ever said or did, knowingly or unknowingly that was hurting me’ and bathe this person’s image in PURPLE color.

Tears began to flow through my eyes as I did it but I certainly felt relieve as if some heavy weight is off my chest. After about another minute or so he continued again…

“Now, step into the circle and say, ‘I ask you to forgive me for anything and everything I may have ever said or done knowingly or unknowingly to hurt you for I am just as human as you are’ and see that this person is forgiving you.

I certainly didn’t expect that but when I did it a strange calm began to take over me. After another minute or so he continued…

“Now remaining in the PURPLE circle, take a deep breath and as you exhale take this person’s image and all the Negative Experiences that you had with him/her since that first event and place it ALL in the BLACK circle… It may or may not disappear there”

As I did, I felt completely liberated. A smile took over me.

“That’s it!.. you are done” He said

“Can I do this for other people as well” I asked

“Most certainly. In fact I strongly recommend you do it with everyone who ever hurt you. RELEASE all the HURT and forgive them ALL” He advised as he continued “And remember to forgive yourself too.”

I did it as he said.

“Remember, those people who are highly sensitive can often be mistakenly taken as arrogant and proud. High levels of self-consciousness leads to lack of self-confidence, grief and suffering… you still need to work on these”

“I wish, I could be with you but, It’s time for me to depart from your world” He said

“Are you leaving for somewhere” I wanted him to stay

“Not really, I will always be with-in you, just close your eyes, look into your heart and call me … I am you and I love you” He kissed my right shoulder as I said, “Me too”

He departed as he said, “Dreams do not happen if you keep seeing them with your eyes closed, they happen when you TAKE ACTION with your eyes open. It’s time to wake up … Wake Up… WAKE UP” … as I opened my eyes I saw the flight attendant saying, ‘Please wake up & straighten your seat, we are about to land in few minutes’… How long have I been sleeping? I asked. “Almost the all the way, I tried to wake you up, but you were in a very deep sleep. It looked to me as if you were having a great dream” Replied the flight attendant.

“So the Shadow Man was a dream?” I spoke almost unconsciously, while looking at the attendant.

“I am sorry…” the flight attended seemed just as puzzled

Even though it was only a dream but to me “The Shadow Man” was a sweet reality he came in as a dream and awakened me from inside. He came to give me something special and went back but I knew one things … to get in touch with him all I need to do is close my eyes and call.

The end, that leads to a new beginning…

Kamran Sultan

P.S. I would love to hear your comments on this series. It might help me write more for you and people like you.

The Antidote of Love – The Shadow Man – Part 6

I was visiting the beach with some friends.

We were having a great time. I have always been passionate & attracted by the charisma of the ocean.

What really fascinates me is the fact that, like each of all of us, every wave comes once only and will never come, yet it comes at its fullest at its best.

Some are HUGE, some are small. Some reach the shore and some don’t. It appears so very different from the outside but as you go deep, really deep inside, subhan ALLAH it’s a different world. I think there is a lesson here.

This has been going on and on since the very beginning and ALLAH knows until when it will continue to happen. I have had a really good time every time I go to the beach.

Just a day before that, I had some serious arguments with someone. I was stressed. On that particular day, I was standing facing the ocean, looking at the waves, soothing my nerves by hearing the sound of sea gulls & waves… feeling the wetness of sand beneath my feet… a feeling of serenity blended with my passion & excitement had taken me over and I saw a light and suddenly he, ‘The Shadow Man’ appeared.

“Wow, I was not expecting you here” I told him

“You need to learn to expect the unexpected” He replied with a chuckle

“Anyway, it’s good to see you. I was thinking of some issues, I want to ask more questions” I said

“I know, and I am here because you are ready for the answers” He replied

I remembered the old Chinese saying, “When the student is ready, teacher will appear”

“Let me guess, today you want to ask about ‘anger’, is that right?” He asked me

“Yes, that’s right BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?” I was surprised

“Look inside, I live inside you and I know what’s happening inside you” He replied as a matter of factly.

“So what is anger?” I asked

“A way to punish oneself for mistakes that other people made” He replied

“I didn’t get it, how can it be a way to punish self… I mean, when people are angry don’t they harm and hurt others?” I was intrigued by his reply

“Let me explain” he resumed “but first tell me, when do you get angry?”

“Well my most recent one was, just yesterday someone I trusted as a friend… did something which I never expected from a friend… it got me angry” I replied almost instantly

“You know what… when people feel angry, their heart rate, arterial tension and testosterone production increases, and stress hormone decreases, and the left hemisphere of the brain becomes more stimulated. You will notice that while experiencing and expressing anger, it seems people are unable to think. This is because they stop using thinking part of the brain, and operate mainly from the lower part of their brain.” He sounded like my science teacher, but it was good education for me.

“So when I said, it is a way to punish oneself, I was referring to doing all of that in one’s brain” he added

“But I had very valid reasons for being angry. This person that I thought was my friend, did something that was utterly wrong” I insisted

“Yeah sure” he sounded sarcastic; just then, as if by magic, he had a beautiful red rose in his hand. “What is this?” he asked me.

“A beautiful red rose” I replied, just like a young child replies with excitement in class when teacher asks a question and the child is sure that s/he knows the answer.

“How do you know it’s a red rose and not a white tulip? And How do you know, ‘it’s beautiful?’”

“Well I know, what a rose is and I know what red is and I know what beautiful is” I promptly replied

“How?… Did you know all of that when you were born?” He asked as if he had not listened to my reply

“No, of course not, but I learned” I was trying to figure out where he was leading

“You see, YOU LEARNED… what red is, YOU LEARNED what a rose is… YOU LEARNED what beautiful is… YOU LEARNED, YOU LEARNED, YOU LEARNED. And in that process of learning you also learned what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what is ugly, didn’t you?”

“Well yes, I guess I did” I murmured

“So did this person, you thought was your friend. People learn different things, and learn to give meaning to life’s experiences, events as good, bad, right, wrong etc. What causes one to get angry is often the unfulfilled expectation that, what you have learned is the same that other have learned too.” He sounded so much like one of my mother as he spoke.

“So you mean, what this person did to me was a misinterpretation on my part?” I inquired

“Well, what made you feel the way you felt was the lack of realization that people are different, they have different values, different beliefs and they generally try to select the best choices they have, in their psyche. They may end up doing or saying things that are different from what you expect because they don’t necessarily share same values and beliefs as yours BUT generally most people are not bad … most of the times. They may do bad or harmful things at times”

“hmmm… It makes sense” I had to admit. “But what’s better, should one express it or hold on to it?”

“Better… from whose perspective and in which situation?” He replied and then there was a long pause. I pondered over what he asked.

“So what should one do with anger that is not expressed? I have read suppressed anger causes mental as well as physical problems. Is that true?” I wanted to know

“There is evidence that the emotion of anger has been found to cause serious health issues including high blood pressure, heart ailments, chronic headaches, digestive problems, exhaustion, and even cancer. I am sure you have heard of abusive relationships, divorces, domestic violence, crime and even wars that happened as a result of this emotion of anger.” He replied like an expert on the subject. And I felt like I am being educated.

While hearing all of this, I felt like vomiting out the anger I had been holding inside me. After all it was bad for my own self and I love my self now… more than ever. I wanted to release it. I wanted to know if there is a way, and if there is what.

I came back from the beach that day feeling relaxed, relieved and educated but I wanted to see him soon, I wanted to know the solution. My next meeting with him was where I found the solution…

To be continued…

Kamran Sultan

Roots of Love – The Shadow Man – Part 5

It was mid noon I was at work busy with some stuff when I received a text message from a strange new number.

It was from a friend, from abroad. He was on a journey to a city we had been together. I was his guide then. He asked me to text me location of some places that he and I had visited in an earlier trip. It was then the “shadow man’ appeared suddenly…

“Where have you been?” I asked him

“I was always within you” He said

Somehow I knew he was. I was just too busy not going within… I forgot all about my friend’s text and my mind started rushing with questions.

“I missed you” I said

“Don’t lie to me” he reacted

“I am sorry, I am not lying BUT why do you speak with so much intensity… at times?” I was kind of confused

“Have you ever bent a steel bar or have you ever seen someone trying to bend it?” I knew he was up to something. By now I had learned to notice where he was trying to lead me…

“Yes, I have seen it done” I replied

“Have you noticed if you try to bend it by tapping on it, it will not make any difference BUT if you give it a HARD HIT it bends… just in the same way, we humans learn some patterns of thinking & behavior, which are unconscious to us, but are limiting us in life… when I notice that someone running a harmful pattern I use the HARD HIT approach… which I know is not comfortable, BUT IT WORKS” He replied in detail

I knew what he was saying was right. I had experienced the change in me, even though I was not comfortable with his ways.

“But why do you say, I am lying to you?” I asked

“I know you did. But the way you ‘casually’ phrased it sounded NOT GENUINE. When people are NOT being GENIUNE they tend to develop a habit of speaking ‘white lies’ which is a LIE. And lies weaken ones will power and make them hollow from within and when they are hollow from within, their lives become… HOLLOW. I want you to have a FULL LIFE.” He sounded more sincere than anyone I knew. I remembered in one of our previous meetings he said, people say I LOVE U as

“Thank you, thank you very much” I replied.

“So what were your questions?”

I had already learned about types of love, I wanted to ask, “Why people fall in love? & Is all love the same?”

“I don’t know exactly why… I guess many people will have many different reasons” He continued “but I know not all love is based on the same reason. There are several.”

“Such as?” I was curious to know more

“Well some people fall in love due to proximity and physical attraction. The love that relies solely on proximity and physical attraction ends once either of the two changes. Relationships that build on this end painfully – generally more for one partner than the other.”

I was all ears and did not want to disturb him with any comment or questions, as he continued

“Sometimes people fall in love because they are attracted to someone’s intellect. Proximity plays a role in this one too, but not necessarily. e.g. students of a teacher, fans of a writer, or a celebrity may not have any proximity with them. In a couple’s scenario often, one of the partners feels insignificant especially if s/he does not have the similar level of intellect. On the other hand, the one with the intellect feels s/he is not understood and feels unlucky in love. Many times, when both are ‘intellectuals’ they have lots of healthy discussions and as well as heated arguments. If they don’t keep their egos out of their relationships – which many find very difficult, they end up living life which appears happy to the world outside and shallow to both partners. If egos inflate, this relationship also ends with lots of grudges and anger. ”

I could relate to some people who had been through that.

“Another type of love is based on spiritual attraction”

“SPIRITUAL ATTRACTION?” I had never heard of this.

“You know… we all exist at different levels. Physical, mental and spiritual. Most people do not have a balanced life. They tend to incline more to one than the other. And we fall in love due to our inclination towards one of these levels. Even though spiritual does not always mean holy but here I am referring to it only in the most positive & purest form or what is called holy.”

I knew what he meant. Spiritual does not mean holy, because in that dimension both good and bad exist. E.g. Iblees does not exist in the three dimensional world. He exists in spiritual dimensions or what people call 4^th Dimension.

He continued, “The love that is developed on the basis of spiritual attraction is the purest and lasts the longest. It encompasses both previous types but is not limited to any one type. When people form a legitimate relationship based on this they keep on working for each other’s well-being & happiness as much as their own or even more, no matter what.”

“You mean, THE REAL Love” I couldn’t resist saying that.

“Yes, that’s real and pure. That’s the one that lasts… the one when one does not want anything from the other or of the other… shares everything they have and in the process each get it all. It’s a PURE WIN WIN situation”

“Wow, I want that too” I said almost unconsciously.

“Every sane person does” he replied, “It’s something that one attracts in life by continually purifying one’s heart & soul. And that’s where self-love comes again ”

It completed a loop for me, as if I have come out of trance.

I suddenly remembered the text from my friend. “Oops, it slipped my mind. He must be waiting. I started replying to his message. But in the back of my mind, something else was going on. I was beginning to love my self, REALLY LOVE MY SELF.

Soon I found my life began to take a new turn. I was more comfortable within me.

I had fewer friends but real friends and we were helping each other. I also noticed my friend’s attitude seemed to have changed. I don’t know, if they changed or it was actually me who had.

I had read somewhere, “When you change the way you look at things, things you look at change”. Perhaps it was me.

I was not perfect neither I wanted to be one. I did want to keep improving as many aspects of my being as I could.

I wanted to purify my mind, my heart & soul. I wanted to learn anger & forgiveness. These were the topics of my next meeting with him.

To be continued

Kamran Sultan

Love Thy Self – The Shadow Man – Part 4

It was middle that day, I was crying… I was irritated.

Just feeling helpless in that moment… I didn’t feel strong enough to face the situation so I resorted to crying.

I was feeling cheated by someone I trusted. Like anyone else, I had my eyes closed while crying and suddenly The Shadow Man appeared.

I was surprised to see him.

“Hey, look at that, what are you doing?” his tone was very friendly

“I am angry and…”

“Oh I am shadow man” he interrupted

“I know, you don’t have to introduce yourself to me” I protested

“You don’t have to either” He replied

“I didn’t” I responded

“You just did?” He told me

“No I did not” I insisted feeling more irritated

“You just told me ‘I am angry’… didn’t you?” He said

“Yes, I did” I admitted

“Don’t you know when you introduce yourself to someone you say, “I am ____” so when you said I am angry, you are introducing yourself” He smiled as he spoke

“OH, you are impossible?” I replied

“No, I am shadow man. Don’t put someone else’s identity on me. I am not ‘Mr.I.M.Possible’ ”

I couldn’t help laughing at the way he said the word ‘impossible’ as ‘I M Possible’ I forgot all about my anger.

“So what was it that was bothering you?” He asked

“Well, it was a friend. I mean someone I considered as a friend. He cheated me. Broke my trust and made me feel so sad” I said

“So is that how you behave in situations like that?” He asked

“Well, I don’t know any better way” I admitted.

I had mistakenly learned some where as a child, if you can’t fight back, cry it out and you will feel lighter. I used to do that quite a bit… in fact, I did so every time I was angry. But just like old clothes that was something that was useful only up to a certain age but now my needs had changed BUT my behaviour had not.

“Is that all you know, I mean you cry when you are angry?” He asked

“Well not really, I go out for a drive and drive very fast at times to release anger” I told him

“Well you are acting like the ‘severely foolish miser’ who re-use used diapers” He said

“Excuse me… What do you mean?” I detested his comment

“Well, there are some people who wash and dry and re-use diapers thinking they are saving some money, not realising the germs they are spreading and disease they are creating will cost a lot more they are foolish and miser at the same time” He explained

I felt like vomiting on the idea and realized he was referring to my behaviour – which I learned as a child but was doing as an adult. I also realized that I must come up with more positive & useful unconscious choices that are more appropriate with my present and desired future.

I got lost in my own thoughts. I forgot I was with him. My sadness began to take over. Just then he disappeared. I was confused then thinking, “Why do people do this to me?” “Why do people treat me like that?”

Suddenly I heard him whisper my name… I opened my eyes, looked here and there then heard him saying… inside… look inside I am hear inside … I just closed my eyes again and suddenly felt calmer.

He was reciting Dale Wimbrow’s poem…

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Whose judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he’s with you clear up to the end,

And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,

And think you’re a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum

If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.

I was tranced by the poem…

“Have you read the novel, Crime & Punishment” He asked

“Yes, but it’s been a while… why?” I replied

“You know the main lesson in it is simply this, ‘THE CRIME IS THE PUNISHMENT’ He continued “you see your ‘friend’ or whoever didn’t cheat you, in truth”

“I know what you mean and I think you are right” I said “But is it not natural… I mean is it not human to feel bad when people do bad things to you?”

“Remember I told you ‘self-love is the first and foremost and that you must love & accept yourself with all of your good and bad qualities’” He spoke as if ignoring my question.

‘Yes’ I whispered

“Well let me share with you a secret, ‘If you want to know yourself, you must love yourself’ because when you truly love yourself you will be your best friend, it does not mean you won’t need anyone else though… we need each other because we are humans… but It means you will … now let me ask you a question, have you ever met a mother who has a ‘disabled child’?” He asked

“Yes, I have” I replied

“Did you notice, she loves her child, even though the world may look at them differently but for the mother it does not matter. A truly, loving caring mother does not tell others to ‘exchange’ her child with theirs… she accepts the child as s/he is” He continued, “And you know what, this love makes the child feel stronger”

“But what does this have to do with loving myself?” By now I had forgotten that I was angry about something

“A lot” he replied, “You see just like a truly loving mother accepts her child as s/he is, when you love yourself you accept yourself as you are and you will find inner strength to fight back. And you will find others won’t be able to make you feel bad” He replied

“So I have to love my self the most… but that will make one selfish” I reacted

“NO. I never said that. I said Love yourself first NOT love yourself THE MOST” He clarified. “Love ALLAH the most and then HIS messenger (peace be upon him)” that’s part of our faith our Emaan. Then you love whoever you wish” He spoke like a loving caring parent this time, “You see, if you don’t have it, how can you give it to others. Does that make sense?”

“Sure, it does make a lot of sense” I said.

“I want you practice something, will you?” He asked me

“Like what?” I wanted to know before I make a commitment

“Everyday for next 7 days, at least once a day, I want you to stand in front of a mirror, close your eyes and recall a time when someone sincerely appreciated you or told you ‘I LOVE YOU’ and you know deep inside that they were telling you The TRUTH. As you recall that moment step into that memory see what you saw, hear what you were hearing, feel the moment intensely and open your eyes look into your eyes and say to yourself with total sincerity, ‘I LOVE YOU & I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE” He told me, “Repeat 3 or more times each time and do this for at least five minutes every single day. Will you?”

“I will” I confirmed

“Good so let’s start now” He advised

“But I can’t think of a any person saying that to me at the moment” I resisted

“I LOVE YOU” he looked straight into my eyes as he said it with total sincerity

I was a bit confused to hear that. As if I had never heard this from anyone. As I mentioned earlier I had received more ‘mercy’ than love, REAL LOVE so it was an intense experience even accepting the idea that one can love me whole heartedly and with no desire to get anything from me in return. But he was very insistent. He had shaken me from within. He said, “Now you have an experience, go do the exercise”

I did it and for next seven days I repeated it several times. I was sure of one thing. He was my best friend and that HE LVOED ME for all that he had done to me. My life had begun to change in ways I didn’t realize then. Only few days later, some of my friends told me I looked younger, some thought I had a new haircut. All I knew was that I felt different, quite different and positive in many ways.

I got busy with things at hand and didn’t notice that “Shadow Man” was gone. But deep inside I knew… he will be there whenever I call.

I wanted to ask more question about like why people fall in love, if all love is same or is it different. I also wanted to understand other emotions like anger etc. My next meeting with him was another major turning point in my life.

To be continued…

Kamran Sultan

The Real Love – The Shadow Man – Part 3

As I slept that night I thought hard to find people who gave me REAL LOVE. Well I have to admit there weren’t many.

Some who did, I misunderstood their intentions and spoiled my relationships with them.

I felt sorry for my misbehavior, I decided to call them up to say that I was sorry.

I was totally surprised and moved when each of them said, something like “Oh, It’s OK. I love you and I am happy that you are safe”

It gave me a new meaning to the word LOVE. For me it became ‘a feeling of caring for someone’s well-being & happiness as much as your own or even more, no matter what – yeah, no matter what!’

That night I went to sleep feeling deeply relieved and had dreams of past and even saw the ‘Shadow Man’ giving me some new cloths and saying ‘it’s time to change’. I realized he is one of those too…

Our next meeting was a memorable one. I got up early prayed my fajr salat and decided to talk to him… inside.

I could sense his presence within me, as if he is trying to communicate something. I wanted to listen. So I just closed my eyes… It felt like time has stood still…

“So are you ready” He asked

“Ready for what?” I wanted to know more

“Ready to learn and change” He replied

“Yes, I am but I want to ask few more questions” I said

“Good, it’s in your questions that you will find answers. What’s your question?” He smiled as he replied

“What about the legends… I mean people like Laila Majnoo etc. They could not live without each other. ” I asked

He laughed out loud before he said, “Most of these legends are fictions – but let’s say Laila and Majnoo were married and were left in the deserts of Arabia… just after few days, they would have eaten each other. You know, when one is hungry the beloved seems like a ‘chicken tikka’”

“I don’t think this is funny” I said “I mean, they did have REAL LOVE between them, didn’t they?”

“Well I don’t know any of those ‘legends’ personally and I think it’s foolish to believe things about people your barely know. So their level of intimacy was REAL or not I don’t know” He replied seriously

I thought he has a point. However since I had been seeing people around me forming opinions about things, people, events they barely knew anything about… I had learned to do the same. But I was ‘ready to learn and change’.

“So what should we do?” I asked

“About what?” He replied to my question with a question

“About with people who truly love us, but we end up hurting them?” I asked

“What you did last night. That’s the best thing. Talk to them, and let them know as sincerely as you can what you feel about the issue and why you did what you did. If they TRULY LOVE you they will have no issues rather they will appreciate your reaching out to them. It’s what you experienced with those that you called, right?” He replied

“Absolutely, right but what if they don’t” I said

“Pray for them… what’s important is not what they say or how they respond, what’s really important is that you do what you are supposed to. This will also give you a chance to know if they truly loved you or not PLUS if you should carry them in your heart & mind and in your life or just let them go!” He replied

“What else, I mean how else could I know?” I wanted to know more

“Look into your heart, you may have a warm feeling that indicates love or a cold feeling that indicates indifference from the other person” He replied

His answer was very encouraging for me. I had couple of people that I really needed to settle things down but I didn’t feel courageous enough to talk to them. But at that moment I decided to call them. I told him that and asked.

“What is the best time to call them” I asked

“NOW. Do it right now… because at the moment you are in the best frame of mind that you can talk to them with total sincerity. Just don’t try to be too long. Say in as few words as you can.”

I remembered once one of my neighbors had picked a fight with me about something I had nothing to do with. Even though my neighbor shouted at me, I didn’t fight back or say a word. A while later he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry for his behavior and that it was his fault. I felt good for him.

I opened my eyes and called them.

The first person I spoke with busted into tears saying, “I love you for who you are and I always will love you. We are a family, you don’t have to think about it anymore”

I could feel warmth inside my heart. I knew, it’s a new beginning of an old relationship.

We talked for a while, shared some really nice memories and committed to stay in touch and meet sometime soon. I must say, I had never felt such a relief as if, some burden has been removed from my chest.

The other person didn’t seem very happy receiving my call.

In fact they refused to talk about anything and said, “Well it’s over, I am busy now” and hung up. I felt kind of cold talking to this person.

I got busy with day to day stuff during rest of that day.

I wanted to talk to my man, my ‘Shadow man’ as I had few more questions. But I didn’t get a chance that day. But one thing was sure, there was a change, a very positive change deep inside me.

To be continued…

What is love, really? – The Shadow Man – Part 2

That night I slept feeling a bit lighter. I wondered how I had been holding fear of insignificant things. I had many questions popping in my mind. I wanted to ask. I dreamt strange but wonderful dreams that night.

Our next meeting was even more eventful.

We met under full moon light. My “Shadow Man” was there right when I needed him.

“I want to talk to you and I had been waiting for you” I told him without any hesitation.

“So why didn’t you?” he asked

“Because you weren’t there” I replied

“But I was… remember… I told you, I am with…in you. All you need to do is close your eyes and look deeply into your heart. I will be there… ALWAYS!” he reminded me

I closed my eyes, and saw his twinkling eyes. He blinked and said, “See. I told you. I am always with you”

“So I don’t have to wait for the light?” I asked enthusiastically

“No the light is inside you” he said

“Light inside me means I can speak to you in the dark too?” I tried to phrase my question differently

“Am I speaking some alien language?” He smiled sarcastically, “I thought I spoke simple clear words”

“Oh you do” I realized I was kind of too excited to know him. “I wanted to ask you some questions”

“You wanted to… do you still WANT TO?” He pointed out a small slant in my language as if it was a big thing. But perhaps it was. He was a master communicator after all.

“I do want to. And my first question is, what is love? I mean how do you know what love is and is not?”

I thought I will not give him a chance to redirect me so I jumped to my question directly.

“Well, Love is the purest emotion one can have, It is a divine emotion I’d say.” He replied

“Divine emotion?” I repeated

“Yes, however everything that people term as ‘love’ is not actually LOVE. Many times people use the term as a term of convenience. You can say different people have different variables or forms of it. It’s kind of… let me give you an everyday metaphor. You see these electronic products from China? Now Chinese people are good hardworking people. The make copies of many types for almost everything. So there is one that’s THE REAL THING and then there are copies of various lower quality. Some last for years, some last few minutes only. Then there is a whole range in between. Same is the case with this emotion called LOVE” He explained

Having used copies of some of these products, I could relate to what he was saying.

“So there are many types of love. Love that’s based on ‘Need of the moment’ – this is what happens when people need a favour from someone and they just feel the emotion of love for the ones they ask favours from. You will see very young children showing this at its best. Love of ‘other life forms now some people have a strong sense of attachments with animals, plants, trees. This also serves a need for them. The need to feel connected in many cases. Then there is love of fellow humans. This is built in to certain degree in all of us. This may show up when we feel someone needs us in some way. We may go out of our way to help them ‘out of love’. This is a very pleasant feeling and makes one feel significant in some way. Then there is love for our own family, siblings, friends. Generally this is based on ‘survival factors’ as long as people’s don’t feel threatened for their own survival from a ‘real or imaginary’ harm from their family, sibling, and friends they feel this. Now as they say, “friends come and go… family remains” some friends may become as close as family.”

I was wondering how many types of love exist. I thought it was just one. He was certainly expanding my personal ‘model of the world’. He continued, …

“Then there is love between two people. It has its own varieties. Some experience lust and call it love. It’s based on momentary chemical attractions and hormonal shifts within them. It ends more quickly then it starts. Often in a painful manner”

I felt very uncomfortable hearing about this one. Certainly I’d never want that.

“The other variety in this category is … let’s call it ‘Binding’ because it binds people but this binding has some more types. Binding on the basis of ‘give and take’ i.e. you love me, I will love you back. This is more of a business, a trade. It ends as soon as one of the partners backs off. It’s very common these days. This often causes ‘fear’ in those who want to have THE REAL THING. The second type is … let’s call it BONDING. Because it bonds people and allows them to accept those they love, with all of their good and bad qualities. It’s kind of conditionally unconditional.”

“Conditionally Unconditional?” I repeated

“Well, the purest form of love people experience from other humans can’t be totally unconditional. Even a mother says to her child under some conditions, ‘do what you want to do, just leave me alone’ when our own survival is threatened, we tend to reach the thresh hold of unconditional love and put up some conditions.” He told me

“But what about people who give their lives for others” I asked

“That’s a good question. By the way, people may die for a total stranger. Don’t you hear stories where someone died while saving a total ‘stranger’ even an animal? People may give life for the lowest forms of love. I think, it’s much easier to die for someone than to live for someone – wouldn’t you agree?” He looked straight through my eyes and right into my soul as he said it

I nodded as if I am in a deep trance.

“How about self-love?” I inquired

“Oh I will come to that in a moment. Let me finish… Now the ultimate and most profound love is the love of divine. But remember HE does not love everyone equally. In fact HE says in Quran, HE does not love polytheist, liars, extravagant… until and unless they repent.” He continued

“Now self-love is the first and foremost. You must love and accept yourself with all of your good and bad qualities. It doesn’t mean that you do not change or improve BUT when you truly love yourself you will want to improve and do it whole heartedly”

“What is the REAL LOVE then?” I was curious to know

“I think people will give different definitions for it. Being a Muslim, I’d say it’s the desire to see people you love get better & successful in this world and the hereafter.” He replied

“For example?” I wanted to know more

“Let’s say you have a friend. You see they are about to eat something that has poison in it or is harmful in some way to them but they don’t know. So you try your best to stop them. You may not be nice and kind – but depending on the immediacy of situation – you may even be shouting and screaming at them, just to make sure that they stop before it’s too late. They may not like it, but they will be protected”

“Like my mother” I added

“Yes, parents, spouse, siblings anyone can have that love for the other. BUT for it to survive it has to be consistent. As a general rule if, the one who loves sees the beloved doing something harmful and s/he doesn’t stop them, it’s not REAL LOVE and if they support them in this act, they are faking love. E.g. If one friend helps another friend in committing a harmful act (however small) like smoking or If parents see children doing something that’ll make them happy in this short life but will spoil their akhira (hereafter), then I would seriously question that as ‘REAL love’.

“This is heavy.” I thought.

“Which love does one need?” I asked

“It depends” he said as a matter of fact, “I think a little of all in various situations. You know, one needs several spices to have really tasty food. As human’s we can not have just one type and be satisfied. We need each type. Some more some less and some least.”

“Now this was getting even heavier.” I said to my self

“I think you have enough to ponder today. I want you to sleep over it and let it form into a solid ideas in the bright corner of your heart and soul. We will continue later” He said, as if he could read my mind.

“And remember when you want to talk to me, I will be right inside” He added “And yes, I want you to look in your life and see how many people do you know who – even were not nicer all the time – but showed real concerns in improving your life of this world and hereafter.”

“Sure I will” I said with determination

As I slept that night I thought hard to find people who gave me REAL LOVE. Well I have to admit there weren’t many.

Some who did love me, I misunderstood their intentions and spoiled my relationships with them. I felt sorry for my misbehaviour. I decided to call them up to say that I was sorry.

I was totally surprised and moved when each of them said, something like “Oh, It’s OK. I love you and I am happy that you are safe” It gave me a new meaning to the word LOVE. For me it became ‘a feeling of caring for someone’s well-being & happiness as much as your own or even more, no matter what – yeah, no matter what!’

That night I went to sleep feeling deeply relieved and had dreams of past and even saw the ‘Shadow Man’ giving me some new cloths and saying ‘it’s time to change’.

I realized he is one of those too…

The Shadow Man – by Kamran Sultan

It all began like a dream… in the middle of here and there I met him. I knew him for a very long time. I didn’t pay much attention… to me he was nothing but just a shadow. He was my shadow-man.

Sitting on a bench of a ‘yellow park’ under the big apple tree I was tranced by looking at light that was coming from gaps between leaves, feeling like Alice in wonderland, I was jarred when I heard someone calling my name.

I looked back. But no one was there. I looked here and there. But no one was there.

“Who is that?” I said out loud.

“It’s me” said the voice.

“Me who?” I asked.

“Me You” he said.

“You Me?” Almost automatically I murmured. I felt puzzled by it all.

“Yeah, it’s me, you know” said the voice.

“Why don’t you come forward?” I tried to gain composure as I said.

“I am where you are” said the voice.

It was getting more and more confusing. But somehow I felt comfortable talking to him. “OK, but who are you?” I asked again. “I am you” he said.

“OK, so who am I, then?” I was getting curious now.

“You are me, you just don’t know it yet” he continued, “I have been with you ever since…”

“Ever since when?” I interrupted…

“Oh ShupPat” he said

His saying “Shut up as ShupPat” sounded unusual but familiar. But somehow I knew who he was. I did not need to ask any more questions.

An unusual comfort began to take over me. I could feel my spine & the back of my neck tingling. “Where have you been so long?” I asked almost unconsciously.

“I was with…in you” he replied. I wondered, if he meant with you or in you or within you. Before I could ask for clarification, he continued, “With you, all day long when you kept yourself busy with stuff” and “in you when you were alone”

“Hmmm” I tried to show as if I understood every word he said.

“Can I see you now?” I asked.

“Sure, just close your eyes and look inside” he replied.

I followed his command just like a tranced subject. “I saw his hazel eyes, piercing through my soul and smiling face. “Who are you?” I asked again this time I felt it like an urge.

“Ask yourself” he replied. I am just who you want me to be. I am your best friend, your true love, your guide, your teacher, your …”

“Hold on a second”, I interrupted, “I am dreaming, right? It’s only a dream…” said I, “I don’t know you BUT I feel I know you, you are not there BUT I can feel your presence right here… inside… and I am inside and you are inside, It could NOT BE REAL… I must be dreaming”

“ShupPat” he said it this time with a firm but more friendly voice.

“Perhaps you are dreaming, perhaps not but what difference does that make… until you are awake… Let’s pretend, I am your dream but you are not dreaming so I am only as REAL as YOU WANT ME to be. Here give me your hand”

He held my hand in his and I could feel the warmth of his hand.

“So I am not dreaming but where am I?” I questioned.

“You ask too many questions… not good ones though” he said.

“I am afraid, I am lost” I admitted.

“You are right, you are afraid… but not for right reasons… Oh by the way, have you ever heard a song, “I am not afraid?”

He took out his cell phone and while saying “I love these words from this song” he played it…

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)

To take a stand (to take a stand)

Everybody (everybody)

Come take my hand (come take my hand)

We’ll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just letting you know that you’re not alone

Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

“You are on my case again” I said

“AGAIN? … I never stopped” He said. “I am only your shadow and want to show you the light. You have been hiding in dark for too long. It’s time you CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE on certain things”

He pointed toward a tree as he continued. “See that tree? … Let’s say this yellow park is the whole world. Each tree is a human being. Every tree will go through seasonal changes, it will grow facing storms of time, it will experience rain, snow, winter, summer… now some trees have blossom, they give fruits, some have leaves only. They provide shadow and may look nice but those that give fruit are the ones that ensure they will live long after they are gone. Because their seeds will be planted somewhere else and they will bear more fruits. The difference between you and a tree is, that a tree does not have a choice whether it will be one of those that bear fruits or will it be one of those that have leaves only …But YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE”

I was all ears now. You can say, I had “ShupPat”

He continued…“And being ‘afraid’ is just one of the choices people make. Often accompanied by thoughts like,

‘What will people think’… or

‘I am not good enough’… or

‘I don’t deserve it’ or

‘I don’t want to hurt anyone’

He continued, “Then they will look for reasons sometimes in religion or ‘ethics’ to justify their own ‘wrong‘ thinking. They try to prove to themselves they are in control and act as if they are in control. But deep inside they are wounded. They need healing. They have been hurt by selfish, self-centered people. They have been betrayed and have been left alone. If hatred causes wounds, love heals, true love. But being ‘afraid’ they can not understand the difference. As for your being lost why don’t you try googling your way?”

I was trying to connect the strands of thought he was giving and figuring out what he was up to. I thought I knew what he was doing but no, I was not ready for the surprise he was about to give me. It was a mind blowing & heart glowing experience.

He said, “Newton was sitting under BIG apple tree just as you are, pondering over lessons, University of life teaches us. Just as he went to 3rd level of deep thinking… I think it was 1857 because 1957 is a code to open eye…”

Just then my phone rang. I decided to not take any calls but he had stopped talking.

We had started walking out of the park, “It’s kind of cold today let’s have some coffee.” I suggested.

Taking sip of my coffee, which didn’t seem odd as he was me, he asked, “Do you feel loved?”

“Oh Yes, I do” I replied with total confidence.

“Really” he replied almost sarcastically, “Check inside, is it feeling of being loved or feeling of being cared for?”

“What’s the difference?” I began to think as I went deeper inside my own thoughts.

I was raised with love from people other than my own. Well, for me, those who gave me love WERE MY OWN … more that my own. But then, I often felt that love was more of mercy to an orphan than true love, for all the love I received was delivered as a ‘gesture of mercy’. So love is what I had and love is what I lacked. I tried to bury myself into my stuff, like books, reading pages after pages, developing a world of my own trying to discover the meaning of life, purpose of my being here on this planet. Reading fiction after fiction, I realized there is a certain amount of truth that emerges from ‘fiction’ and while a there is always some fiction in what people believe as truth.

“Don’t you feel sorry for yourself?” He asked. I couldn’t deny that. But I had come to terms with issues I thought I cannot solve.

He said, “Close your eyes and go deeper to the point of beginning of your fears” I didn’t know what he meant exactly but I decided to give it a shot. Suddenly a rush of old feelings came on me. I recalled some of my early years experiences that I had buried deep inside.

“Continue to go deep and ask yourself ‘what’s behind fear?’

“Desire to be loved – really loved” I murmured almost uncontrollably.

“Now you are talking” he said.

Tears began to flow through my eyes, I felt my fears were vanishing and a new door was opening within.

I felt liberated for the first time in my life.

Pointing towards the empty coffee cup he said, “Now the cup is empty, we can pour in new stuff”

“Yeah, but wash it first” I smiled as I replied and cleaned my tears.

“So what’s next” I was curious”

Time flies” he made a square in the air with his hands as a gesture as he said, “You know it’s going to get dark then you need to go back home. And I can’t be with you in the dark.”

“OK, Let’s go to a brightly lit area” I suggested.

“Yeah, like in your heart” He smiled as we walked.

“What do you mean?” I asked

“You see, you need to rekindle the spark of love for your own self in yourself, you can’t experience true love from others until you love yourself as you are. When you used to have fears you made wrong decisions. You need to undo some of them” He said

“I know what you mean” I said, “But how do I do that?”

“Don’t you worry, I will guide you. Let’s first install true love & true self appreciation inside” He replied

“For now I want you to ponder over what we have discussed today and when we meet again, I will coach you through a process.“

To be continued…